You don't even realize...

I hope one day you will realize that all I ever wanted you to be was your own person, thriving, happy, working, growing, loving God, your family and living life to the fullest. Any parent would or should want that for their children.  And yet you think all I want you to do is be held back, contained in this box, not happy, not deserving, unworthy... controlled. No you have me confused with someone else that lives in your head, and if that is truly the case my dearest one,then you never really knew me at all, or somewhere I failed miserably as your mom, in showing you to be your own person. Ownership goes both ways, as I type this,tears stream down my face, and I wonder, what did I do that you think it is okay to treat me this way? Was should I have treated you the same as the man you look up to now? I could not do that, he was wrong  You were the first one to show me love and the first one to show me the truth in deep utter endless pain. I am beyond ready to see the kind loving gentle man I know is in there.
   God has a plan for your life, I just pray it does not take the rest of your life spinning out of control for you to see your purpose. My heart aches for the man I know you are, but you have to want that, I cannot force it on you."

The Trouble with Trouble
"The trouble with trouble is that it threatens not just our comfort and peace but our faith in God. Pain so conflicts with our concept of what we expect God to be like that trying to merge our pain with His claims is almost too risky to attempt head-on. It is easier to retreat into pious-sounding statements and hide under hollow phrases that have little meaning and no healing value or, more damaging, allow our hearts to become embittered, causing us to withdraw our spirits from Him.
We must take the risk to understand God and the role He plays in pain. There is no hope until we understand the way God interfaces with problems, what He supplies in the process, and what He seeks to accomplish. Viewing our trouble from the vantage point of truth about God equips us to make it through a crisis with hands held high in victory. Getting a handle on how God relates to trouble will help us in tough times and will equip us to encourage, guide, and comfort others as we walk with them through deep waters"(Stowell).
Stowell, Joseph M. The Upside of Down.
  I pray for you daily and my love for you will not stop, however you will have to learn the hard way, and that hurts me to the core. I love you son. No matter what you throw my way. I just cannot support your choices. In order to get better you have to go to treatment, and so does she. it is not a matter of should you, it is a matter of you have too. My prayer is that you see this fact and you take the opportunity to pick up and do the right thing, you have to be tired of repeating these same patterns and getting the same if not worse results. . I won't apologized to you for anythugn I have said here, I will however love you no matter what and I will pray that God guides you in the manner you need the most.
All my love to you ,
Mom