Eleven days of silence ..... Inside the beast....

 Wow! Eleven days of pure hell..how do I get labeled the bad guy and it is my fault? In reality the reflection is on you. Walking inside your bipolar manic rapid cycles that continued for almost 2 months with what seemed like no end, finally did in a sad sort of way, Eleven days ago. If anyone should be mad, hurt and disappointed it would be me. I will not apologize for what I thought was saving your life. I pray you never experience the pure hell we went through that entire 30 hours. While three adults who claim to be parents made no effort to even check in on their children/ grandchildren. But instead chose to party, drink and whatever else with no concern about anyone but yourselves. Yes walking inside your bipolar, manic rage all brought on by excessive drinking, partying, and whatever else we do not really know. The creation put into your head that I was upset with you. I get it, I live it, it is easy to believe someone that has nothing but deceit and manipulation to offer you. The devil blinds us, when we allow him too.
  While I realize and fully understand mental illness, remember I have a Masters in mental illness, and honestly I fully get it. There is a part where you have to take ownership and not hide behind it like a crutch, you claimed you would not do.  There is accountability that you have to own one day, and maybe that is why you think the madness is your savior. When in reality, she is nothing more than the culprit.  Insanity only describes a little of what you two are together. You will never change her into the person you believe that she is capable of being. She has revealed herself to you completely. As Gran would tell you, eventually they all show their true self, and she has, and yet you still think that living in that hell is easier.
  When did you forget who you are and believe who she has convinced you to be? When did the real you disappear to protect yourself from the abusive manipulative unwilling to accept the part she plays in your madness? Self preservation I am sure. Bottom line, we never asked you to come here, and we did not inject ourselves into the chaos you two claim to be a marriage. At best the most toxic dysfunctional form of codependency I have ever seen in my life. Own it!! it is yours, not mine and it certainly for lack of trying to help you both, but it takes two, and it takes each on of you owning the part that you both contribute. I just see the madness for what it is.
  Coping? No,drinking and finding whatever you both could was not coping. Her leaving the bar with whomever to get what she needed was not coping. And yet you thought the answer was going back to the madness, you both create. Then you tell me it is my fault. I will not take the blame for the choices you two create. What I will own however is that you have to live with that choice, and history has done nothing but repeat itself consistently, and each time it is even worse and even more out of control, and toxic. Walking inside your bipolar, has not been an easy road, and I won't be made out to be the bad guy anymore. You are an adult, you both have mental illness, and you both have choices, and always go back to the toxic road.
   I will not apologize to you for keeping those babies safe, caring for them, and loving them with every ounce of ourselves and always will. I will not apologize or take any ownership that it was my fault. The world you created has been created by you.  I won't apologize for giving them their daddy another day to know who he is, you have to live with what you both were doing.  There comes a point in your life that you both* or all three need to grow up and be adults and stop blaming everyone else for the life you have created. I did not hurt your brothers, your sister, your niece, Grandma, or even the guy that saved you many nights and gave you a place to hang when you did not want to deal with your life. The people that you have shut out completely. I hope that you are truly getting better, I wont apologize for that. I would hope if you were ever faced with that decision to make, you would save your child too. I pray you never have to endure the not knowing and the pure pain you put on your family. The ones that have been by your side no matter what.
  Maybe you are embarrassed that you could not act like a grown man, and just say we are getting back together. Maybe it is just easier to blame me instead of putting the dysfunction where it really belongs. In the direction of the two that always call he police on you, for no reason. Or have the police come to our house after lying and saying that we would not let her have the children..... You have to first call or text to acknowledge that you are even concerned about them, in order to honestly tell them that occurred.  We walk inside the manic bipolar life and have been for almost a year now. I wish you the best, I pray that you get the help and stop the drinking, I pray that if it is God's will for the two of you to be together, that you both will grow up and realize the harm you both have inflicted on those babies, because you are both selfish and punish not only us, but them for your choices.
  When it comes falling down again, there are places you can go, but it cannot be here this time. I will not get blamed and I will not let my home be ran by chaos anymore. It is your life, I am sure your father will be happy to be in it if he can get something out of it. I write this because I have not more tears to cry, I write this because the pain is so deep. But more than anything I write this in hopes that one day you will read it and understand how deep our love has been for you and those babies. and you will make peace with your choices. I will never stop loving you. I just will not allow the pain and blame to be directed towards me anymore. I miss you and would love to hear that you are doing better, but you won't even give me peace about that either.... So you are doing as she wants and she is doing whatever she wants while you are in there. And when it comes down again and you get the blame even though it is her wanting something or someone else, I will only tell you that I still love you but you have to figure it out on your own.
  We have gotten you pointed in the direction to get help with the VA and you now have the tools to change your story and those babies. The choice is yours to make. God will never want you to be unhappy, or with someone that does not uplift you, or put the temptations back in front of you. I pray one day you will see that. So walking inside your bipolar from my point of view has been pure hell, I can only imagine the hell you are walking. Chin up. I will still be here, but with a guarded heart, and no trust, that has to be earned back. And I know when my son finally comes out of the madness, we will know.  I miss you for now, but you are where you need to be to get healthy, I hope.